Sex Q&A...“How can I ensure my partner has an orgasm?”

Laura: You can’t. And orgasm doesn’t always look like it does in the movies.

Many women especially, have received messaging their whole lives that sound like this...

“Nice girls don’t want sex.”

“It’s weird to feel aroused.”

“You should not be the one to initiate sex.”

Many feel shame for masturbating.

There is a lot of “slut shaming” that happens, and many women are afraid to express themselves sexually.

We have learned that it is more important to focus on being desired rather than experiencing desire. This often carries into adulthood and many people are not aware of what their body likes. They are distracted during sex and not present in their bodies to experience pleasure and orgasm.

I often recommend the book “Becoming Cliterate” for women to begin exploring their bodies and sexuality and for men in a heterosexual relationship, I recommend the book “She comes first”.

For men, there is also no guarantee they will experience orgasm despite the pressure on them to have one, as a measure of success.

Men often feel like they have failed their partner if they don’t orgasm, and their partner feels like something is wrong with them when this happens.

The best approach is to go into intimacy not necessarily expecting intercourse or orgasm and seeing what is enjoyable for you both. Ditch the social scripts you have learned and focus on pleasure. Orgasm can happen or not. You can be satisfied without an orgasm.

Next month I’ll be answering this question:

"If I fantasize about sex with another woman during sex with my husband, does this mean I am lesbian?"

~ Laura

Got a sex question? You can ask anonymously right here. I’ll answer as many as I can in my upcoming emails.

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