Eliminating Sexual Shame - You are normal!
We have all wondered from time to time if we are normal.
It’s an especially important question for people when it comes to their sexuality, fantasies, masturbation, their bodies and how they look and function. Many people wonder if they are normal during vulnerable moments or when comparing themselves to others.
I've had countless clients share their concerns and feelings of shame about their desires, preferences, or experiences; often feeling they aren’t normal and worrying that something is wrong with them. This is something that spans across all ages, genders, and backgrounds. And the truth is, there is a very wide range of normal when it comes to this stuff, despite being taught/shown a very narrow range of normal.
From a young age, we're bombarded with societal messages about what's "normal" or "acceptable".. Whether it's through media portrayals, cultural and family norms, or whispered conversations among friends, there's an unspoken rulebook that dictates how we should think, feel, look, function and behave when it comes to sex.
Here are the top things that people wonder about and feel shame for that I want you to know is “normal”
1. Fantasizing about taboo scenarios or with people other than your partner..this is anything from role playing to group sex to boss-employee dynamics. It doesn’t mean you would actually want to do it just because it arouses you...it also doesn’t mean you have a problem in your relationship if you fantasize about others.
2. Farting or squirting during an orgasm and other similar bodily functions…SO common and normal. Worrying about this happening is what stops people from the sex life they want.
3. Masturbating regularly to porn…watching porn and self pleasuring is a widespread activity, literally nearly every human does it at times. Porn consumed ethically is a great way to improve your sex life, increasing desire and helping you learn about your sexual desires that would otherwise remain untapped or unexplored.
4. Genital appearance, there's such variation in look and feel…many people worry if their vagina is "loose" especially post childbirth. Factors such as arousal, muscle tone, hormonal changes, childbirth, and age can all influence vaginal sensation and elasticity and it’s very subjective. What feels tight to one person doesn’t to another.
5. Past experiences of sexual trauma or infidelity, there are very few humans who haven't experienced one of these two difficult experiences and many hold self blame and shame for their entire life. Many other people you know share this experience too.
6. Have had or do have an STI..One in every 2 people will have a sexually transmitted infection of some kind during their lifetime. If you have had one, there are millions of other people right there with you including professionals, friends & family.
7. Body appearance, the natural aging process, including changes in skin elasticity, muscle tone, or sexual function, can trigger feelings of shame or insecurity yet likely the person you are having sex with has the same insecurities and changes in their body. It's very common to have rolls, stretch marks, inverted nipples, puffy nipples, low hanging scrotum etc. What's portrayed in the media is what is actually the least common way for a body to look.
